Two and a Half Men
A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.
Season 12
Episode 1
The Ol' Mexican Spinach
October 29, 2014
Episode 2
A Chic Bar in Ibiza
November 5, 2014
Episode 3
Glamping in a Yurt
November 12, 2014
Episode 4
Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
November 19, 2014
Episode 5
Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
November 26, 2014
Episode 6
Alan Shot a Little Girl
December 3, 2014
Episode 7
Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
December 9, 2014
Episode 8
Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
December 17, 2014
Episode 9
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
January 8, 2015
Episode 10
Here I Come, Pants!
January 15, 2015
Episode 11
For Whom the Booty Calls
January 22, 2015
Episode 12
A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
January 29, 2015
Episode 13
Boompa Loved His Hookers
February 5, 2015
Episode 14
Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
February 12, 2015
Episode 15
Of Course He's Dead (1)
February 19, 2015
Episode 16
Of Course He's Dead (2)
February 19, 2015
Season 11
Episode 1
Nangnangnangnang
September 26, 2013
Episode 2
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
October 3, 2013
Episode 3
This Unblessed Biscuit
October 10, 2013
Episode 4
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
October 17, 2013
Episode 5
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
October 24, 2013
Episode 6
Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
November 7, 2013
Episode 7
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
November 14, 2013
Episode 8
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
November 21, 2013
Episode 9
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
December 5, 2013
Episode 10
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!
December 12, 2013
Episode 11
Tazed in the Lady Nuts
January 2, 2014
Episode 12
Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
January 9, 2014
Episode 13
Bite Me, Supreme Court
January 30, 2014
Episode 14
Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe
February 6, 2014
Episode 15
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
February 27, 2014
Episode 16
How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
March 6, 2014
Episode 17
Welcome Home, Jake
March 13, 2014
Episode 18
West Side Story
April 3, 2014
Episode 19
Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang
April 10, 2014
Episode 20
Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
April 24, 2014
Episode 21
Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
May 1, 2014
Episode 22
Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
May 8, 2014
Season 10
Episode 1
I Changed My Mind About the Milk
September 27, 2012
Episode 2
A Big Bag of Dog
October 4, 2012
Episode 3
Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
October 11, 2012
Episode 4
You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For
October 18, 2012
Episode 5
That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam
October 25, 2012
Episode 6
Ferrets, Attack!
November 1, 2012
Episode 7
Avoid the Chinese Mustard
November 8, 2012
Episode 8
Something My Gynecologist Said
November 15, 2012
Episode 9
I Scream When I Pee
November 29, 2012
Episode 10
One Nut Johnson
December 6, 2012
Episode 11
Give Santa a Tail-Hole
December 13, 2012
Episode 12
Welcome to Alancrest
January 3, 2013
Episode 13
Grab a Feather and Get in Line
January 10, 2013
Episode 14
Run, Steven Staven! Run!
January 31, 2013
Episode 15
Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
February 7, 2013
Episode 16
Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
February 14, 2013
Episode 17
Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
February 21, 2013
Episode 18
The 9:04 from Pemberton
March 7, 2013
Episode 19
Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon
March 14, 2013
Episode 20
Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
April 4, 2013
Episode 21
Another Night with Neil Diamond
April 25, 2013
Episode 22
My Bodacious Vidalia
May 2, 2013
Episode 23
Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
May 9, 2013
Season 9
Episode 1
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
September 19, 2011
Episode 2
People Who Love Peepholes
September 26, 2011
Episode 3
Big Girls Don't Throw Food
October 3, 2011
Episode 4
Nine Magic Fingers
October 10, 2011
Episode 5
A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
October 17, 2011
Episode 6
The Squat and the Hover
October 24, 2011
Episode 7
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
October 31, 2011
Episode 8
Thank You for the Intercourse
November 7, 2011
Episode 9
Frodo's Headshots
November 14, 2011
Episode 10
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
November 21, 2011
Episode 11
What a Lovely Landing Strip
December 5, 2011
Episode 12
One False Move, Zimbabwe!
December 12, 2011
Episode 13
Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
January 2, 2012
Episode 14
A Possum on Chemo
January 16, 2012
Episode 15
The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
February 6, 2012
Episode 16
Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
February 13, 2012
Episode 17
Not in My Mouth!
February 20, 2012
Episode 18
The War Against Gingivitis
February 27, 2012
Episode 19
Palmdale, Ech
March 19, 2012
Episode 20
Grandma's Pie
April 9, 2012
Episode 21
Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
April 16, 2012
Episode 22
Why We Gave Up Women
April 30, 2012
Episode 23
The Straw in My Donut Hole
May 7, 2012
Episode 24
Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
May 14, 2012
Season 8
Episode 1
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
September 20, 2010
Episode 2
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
September 27, 2010
Episode 3
A Pudding-Filled Cactus
October 4, 2010
Episode 4
Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
October 11, 2010
Episode 5
The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
October 18, 2010
Episode 6
Twanging Your Magic Clanger
October 25, 2010
Episode 7
The Crazy Bitch Gazette
November 1, 2010
Episode 8
Springtime on a Stick
November 8, 2010
Episode 9
A Good Time in Central Africa
November 15, 2010
Episode 10
Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
November 22, 2010
Episode 11
Dead from the Waist Down
December 6, 2010
Episode 12
Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
December 13, 2010
Episode 13
Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
January 3, 2011
Episode 14
Lookin' for Japanese Subs
January 17, 2011
Episode 15
Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
February 7, 2011
Episode 16
That Darn Priest
February 14, 2011
Season 7
Episode 1
818-jklpuzo
September 21, 2009
Episode 2
Whipped Unto the Third Generation
September 28, 2009
Episode 3
Mmm, Fish. Yum.
October 5, 2009
Episode 4
Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
October 12, 2009
Episode 5
For the Sake of the Child
October 19, 2009
Episode 6
Give Me Your Thumb
November 2, 2009
Episode 7
Untainted by Filth
November 9, 2009
Episode 8
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
November 16, 2009
Episode 9
Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
November 23, 2009
Episode 10
That's Why They Call It Ball Room
December 7, 2009
Episode 11
Warning, It's Dirty
December 14, 2009
Episode 12
Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
January 11, 2010
Episode 13
Yay, No Polyps!
January 18, 2010
Episode 14
Crude and Uncalled For (1)
February 1, 2010
Episode 15
Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)
February 8, 2010
Episode 16
Tinkle Like a Princess
March 1, 2010
Episode 17
I Found Your Moustache
March 8, 2010
Episode 18
Ixnay on the Oggie Day
March 22, 2010
Episode 19
Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
April 12, 2010
Episode 20
I Called Him Magoo
May 10, 2010
Episode 21
Gumby with a Pokey
May 17, 2010
Episode 22
This Is Not Gonna End Well
May 24, 2010
Season 6
Episode 1
Taterhead Is Our Love Child
September 22, 2008
Episode 2
Pie Hole, Herb
September 29, 2008
Episode 3
Damn You, Eggs Benedict
October 6, 2008
Episode 4
The Flavin' and the Mavin'
October 13, 2008
Episode 5
A Jock Strap in Hell
October 20, 2008
Episode 6
It's Always Nazi Week
November 3, 2008
Episode 7
Best H.O. Money Can Buy
November 10, 2008
Episode 8
Pinocchio's Mouth
November 17, 2008
Episode 9
The Mooch at the Boo
November 24, 2008
Episode 10
He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
December 8, 2008
Episode 11
The Devil's Lube
December 15, 2008
Episode 12
Thank God for Scoliosis
January 12, 2009
Episode 13
I Think You Offended Don
January 19, 2009
Episode 14
David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
February 2, 2009
Episode 15
I'd Like to Start with the Cat
February 9, 2009
Episode 16
She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime
March 2, 2009
Episode 17
The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
March 9, 2009
Episode 18
My Son's Enormous Head
March 16, 2009
Episode 19
The Two Finger Rule
March 30, 2009
Episode 20
Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
April 13, 2009
Episode 21
Above Exalted Cyclops
April 27, 2009
Episode 22
Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
May 4, 2009
Episode 23
Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
May 11, 2009
Episode 24
Baseball Was Better with Steroids
May 18, 2009
Season 5
Episode 1
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
September 24, 2007
Episode 2
Media Room Slash Dungeon
October 1, 2007
Episode 3
Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
October 8, 2007
Episode 4
City of Great Racks
October 15, 2007
Episode 5
Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
October 22, 2007
Episode 6
Help Daddy Find His Toenail
October 29, 2007
Episode 7
Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
November 5, 2007
Episode 8
Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
November 12, 2007
Episode 9
Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids
November 19, 2007
Episode 10
Kinda Like Necrophilia
November 26, 2007
Episode 11
Meander to Your Dander
March 17, 2008
Episode 12
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
March 24, 2008
Episode 13
The Soil Is Moist
March 31, 2008
Episode 14
Winky-Dink Time
April 14, 2008
Episode 15
Rough Night in Hump Junction
April 21, 2008
Episode 16
Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
April 28, 2008
Episode 17
Fish in a Drawer
May 5, 2008
Episode 18
If My Hole Could Talk
May 12, 2008
Episode 19
Waiting for the Right Snapper
May 19, 2008
Season 4
Episode 1
Working for Caligula
September 18, 2006
Episode 2
Who's Vod Kanockers?
September 25, 2006
Episode 3
The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
October 2, 2006
Episode 4
A Pot Smoking Monkey
October 9, 2006
Episode 5
A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
October 16, 2006
Episode 6
Apologies for the Frivolity
October 23, 2006
Episode 7
Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
November 6, 2006
Episode 8
Release the Dogs
November 13, 2006
Episode 9
Corey's Been Dead for an Hour
November 20, 2006
Episode 10
Kissing Abraham Lincoln
November 27, 2006
Episode 11
Walnuts and Demerol
December 11, 2006
Episode 12
Castrating Sheep in Montana
January 8, 2007
Episode 13
Don't Worry, Speed Racer
January 22, 2007
Episode 14
That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
February 5, 2007
Episode 15
My Damn Stalker
February 12, 2007
Episode 16
Young People Have Phlegm Too
February 19, 2007
Episode 17
I Merely Slept with a Commie
February 26, 2007
Episode 18
It Never Rains in Hooterville
March 19, 2007
Episode 19
Smooth as a Ken Doll
April 9, 2007
Episode 20
Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
April 16, 2007
Episode 21
Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
April 23, 2007
Episode 22
Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
April 30, 2007
Episode 23
Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'
May 7, 2007
Episode 24
Prostitutes and Gelato
May 14, 2007
Season 3
Episode 1
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
September 19, 2005
Episode 2
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
September 26, 2005
Episode 3
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
October 3, 2005
Episode 4
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
October 10, 2005
Episode 5
We Called It Mr. Pinky
October 17, 2005
Episode 6
Hi, Mr. Horned One
October 24, 2005
Episode 7
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
November 7, 2005
Episode 8
That Voodoo That I Do Do
November 14, 2005
Episode 9
Madame and Her Special Friend
November 21, 2005
Episode 10
Something Salted and Twisted
November 28, 2005
Episode 11
Santa's Village of the Damned
December 19, 2005
Episode 12
That Special Tug
January 9, 2006
Episode 13
Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
January 23, 2006
Episode 14
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
February 6, 2006
Episode 15
My Tongue is Meat
February 27, 2006
Episode 16
Ergo, the Booty Call
March 6, 2006
Episode 17
The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer
March 13, 2006
Episode 18
The Spit-Covered Cobbler
March 20, 2006
Episode 19
Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
April 10, 2006
Episode 20
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
April 24, 2006
Episode 21
And the Plot Moistens
May 1, 2006
Episode 22
Just Once with Aunt Sophie
May 8, 2006
Episode 23
Arguments for the Quickie
May 15, 2006
Episode 24
That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
May 22, 2006
Season 2
Episode 1
Back Off, Mary Poppins
September 19, 2004
Episode 2
Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
September 26, 2004
Episode 3
A Bag Full of Jawea
October 2, 2004
Episode 4
Go Get Mommy's Bra
October 10, 2004
Episode 5
Bad News from the Clinic?
October 17, 2004
Episode 6
The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
October 24, 2004
Episode 7
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
November 7, 2004
Episode 8
Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
November 14, 2004
Episode 9
Yes, Monsignor
November 21, 2004
Episode 10
The Salmon Under My Sweater
November 28, 2004
Episode 11
Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
December 12, 2004
Episode 12
A Lungful of Alan
January 2, 2005
Episode 13
Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow (Get Off My Hair)
January 15, 2005
Episode 14
Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
January 30, 2005
Episode 15
Smell the Umbrella Stand
February 6, 2005
Episode 16
Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
February 13, 2005
Episode 17
Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!
February 20, 2005
Episode 18
It Was Mame, Mom
March 6, 2005
Episode 19
A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise
March 20, 2005
Episode 20
I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
April 17, 2005
Episode 21
A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
April 30, 2005
Episode 22
That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
May 8, 2005
Episode 23
Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
May 15, 2005
Episode 24
Does This Smell Funny to You?
May 22, 2005
Season 1
Episode 1
Pilot
September 22, 2003
Episode 2
Big Flappy Bastards
September 29, 2003
Episode 3
Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
October 5, 2003
Episode 4
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
October 12, 2003
Episode 5
The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump
October 19, 2003
Episode 6
Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
October 26, 2003
Episode 7
If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
November 2, 2003
Episode 8
Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful
November 9, 2003
Episode 9
Phase One, Complete
November 15, 2003
Episode 10
Merry Thanksgiving
November 23, 2003
Episode 11
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
December 14, 2003
Episode 12
Camel Filters and Pheromones
January 4, 2004
Episode 13
Sarah Like Puny Alan
January 10, 2004
Episode 14
I Can't Afford Hyenas
February 1, 2004
Episode 15
Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
February 8, 2004
Episode 16
That Was Saliva, Alan
February 15, 2004
Episode 17
Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
February 22, 2004
Episode 18
An Old Flame with a New Wick
February 29, 2004
Episode 19
I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
March 21, 2004
Episode 20
Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
April 18, 2004
Episode 21
No Sniffing, No Wowing
May 2, 2004
Episode 22
My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
May 9, 2004
Episode 23
Just Like Buffalo
May 16, 2004
Episode 24
Can You Feel My Finger?
May 23, 2004